At 13 I didn’t understand (or want to understand) "gross boys". I also didn't understand all the layers embedded in a favorite story of mine held within the pages of a book as thick as my Mom’s crusty (don’t ask) 1970’s Joy of Cooking book. You could often find me sitting on our worn out sofa to watch the 6-ish hour long BBC movie version of the book whenever the VHS tapes were available at the library.
Jane Eyre was a deeply rooted story from my teen years. I can recite more paragraphs out of it than the Bible passages that were crammed into my brain every Sunday. Growing up there was Jesus, Aslan, and then Jane Eyre. (And also Bedknobs and Broomsticks but don’t say anything - because you know “witchcraft”. Whispering: “Treguna Mekoides Tracorum Satis Dee”.)
During my adult years I started to understand some of the many layers of Charlotte Bronte’s classic. One thing I have come to adore about Jane is her tenacious commitment to her personal truths - and even love in a time when love was last on the list. Sometimes her truth was all she had and she operated out of it regardless of circumstances or the opinions of others.
I love stories. I love sharing mine because when I have had the guts to share, it has connected me to some of the most extraordinary human beings. And I most definitely love hearing yours and yours and yours and even yours. I love amplifying all of our bits of experiences because it reveals the truth of how we are all connected.
I have shifted this storied space of mine more times than I have changed the products used to maintain the glory of my faux hawk.
I crave to write my truths again. And I want it to be more from my truths in the now and less from my truths in the past. It's time for truth to be liberated, joy to be lit, and my soul to know itself again through the fine art of just getting the damn words out no matter how klutzy it may appear.
For months I have thought I needed this place to be a hub for much of my varied life experiences from the past and the present. And like the Virgo I am, I had it all organized and mapped out so it would flow with ease for anyone who wondered this way.
It has been overwhelming to say the least. My writing became slightly stuck in the past.
So last weekend I got real with myself. I got to my why of it. The real why. The why I knew deep down. And not to my surprise the why for past words being amplified more than the present, was not in alignment with what I want to be releasing in the present. Yes, I have a past filled with experiences that have made me who I am in this very moment. I am 1000% unashamed about those stories. Those experiences revealed my personal power to me in a way that no other experiences would have done. I don't mind writing in general about those times - but not as the sole focus. I can no longer amplify my past to the point of choking out the present that has so much story waiting to be liberated for the pure intention of connection.
To be honest, I’m fucking exhausted of writing backwards more than writing from my present. Who knows, one day I may write a book with details from the past. But for this space? Not so much. I need more fresh and present without trying to explain allll the backstory.
Oh that word. Explain. I’m pretty much over it like I am about the word “ninja” and "guru". I have become so bogged down with the explaining from "back then" that the present has become lost. Also, coming from a place of constant explaining can lead to defensiveness - and writing on the defensive isn’t healthy. This isn't football, dammit. Like I shared with some brave women years back - we have a life to live, not a life to prove.
What does all of this mean for my little truth-sharing space?
It's time to release the words from the present.
All (and I do mean all) of my past writing has been placed in the vault and locked away for the time being. Basically, I look like a new kid on the block out here. All of those words from 2012 and on have served me (and others) the way needed at that time. For now I bless those words that bled out of me. I hold gratitude for the coffee and carbs that helped fuel the release of them. It's time to create and connect again from the present - and perhaps with a few less carbs. But who am I kidding?! Less carbs is not likely to happen.