joy lit

I’m working on it. More accurately, I’m easing into it. Giving space for my soul to give itself oxygen again.

For the last several months anxiety has been a bitch. Seriously, I have never experienced anxiety on this level before. And fear has oh so quietly moved in and taken camp. Danny (the guy I call husband) has heard me say multiple times while bawling my eyes out, that I feel like a shell of who I use to be. In the past my connections with others were fearless, intentional, and deep. My work weaved throughout it and there was meaning behind the blend of it all. It felt oh so fucking good to my core. Everything was ignited and aligned.  

When I got back to working in an office environment over a year ago, I poured myself 1000% into it knowing that I would learn something from this experience that I hadn't learned during the prior five years working at building community online and offline. I ended up compartmentalized myself so I didn't ruffle feathers (or egos) and now I find myself drained with the walls I've built.

I've realized how I poured too much. I compartmentalized too much. I've hidden myself too much. I’ve absorbed too many negative vibes - perhaps that’s how the fear and doubts were able to set up camp and ended up building a damn Taj Mahal. I set up the perfect conditions for growth of the worse kind. 

My joy has been in shambles. If it wasn’t for my Monday night gatherings with online friends who happen to live in my town, I know it would be much worse. I believe joy is still in me. I can feel embers of it ready to flame fiercely again.

I’ve been doing, striving, pushing, hiding, and prodding myself for awhile.

And I’m done.

I’m ready to get back at being. Of not allowing fear to consume me. 

I’m terrified yet ready to create intentional connection again - one hello at a time. So if you see me leaving a bit of love in your corner of the wild wild web or if you see me at Target choosing not to run to another aisle to avoid interaction with you, please know it's because I genuinely want to engage with you. I miss people - people like you and you and you.

No matter what gets me sidetracked, my joy will always be there.

It's in my DNA.